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Charlotte Newton

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LIFESTYLE

Lost yourself in motherhood? 5 ways to find ‘you’ again.

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When I was pregnant with my first baby, over twelve years ago, strangers would come up to me, pat my baby bump and say, ‘Oh, is it your first? How special!’. They had a misty far-away look in their eyes. No one told me the truth. The truth was that I was about to undergo a monumental change and I wouldn’t ever be the same again.

This transition happens to all mothers — biological, surrogate or adoptive — in a developmental stage is akin to adolescence known as ‘Matrescence’. This process affects biological, social and psychological development and can last for years, or even decades.

The term ‘Matrescence’ was first coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael, PhD, in 1973, but I didn’t hear about it until I chose to specialise in motherhood.

 

This is a problem because most mothers feel overwhelmed by the magnitude of parenting and uncomfortable with the changes it brings to almost every aspect of life. Not only does the female body undergo physical and hormonal changes which can feel like puberty all over again, but becoming a mother impacts relationships with partners and friends and maintaining a social life or even running errands suddenly becomes a lot more challenging.

 

 

Matrescence should not be confused with postnatal depression, but it is a significant emotional shift which many mothers are simply unprepared for. I’m sure all mums remember the endless first weeks of motherhood where you feel completely in love with your newborn and simultaneously completely awed that the world still continues although you’ve just experienced this monumental event.

I vividly remember feeling a huge sense of achievement at getting out the door when my youngest was just six- weeks old.

Timing feeds, nappy changes and making myself look vaguely presentable to be on time for a baby massage session required some next-level planning. The thought of going out for drinks with friends or for a meal with my husband just seemed completely at odds with my new life and how I felt about myself.  I just couldn’t rationalise the pre-baby me with this new post-baby me. Me as a mum. Over the years, the pre-baby me just seemed to dissolve as I assumed the identity of ‘mum’.  Now, I feel like the ‘real’ me is buried.

Mum of three, Sarah, says, ‘I just completely lost my sense of identity when I had children. I never really got any time to myself to just be ‘me’ anyway, so I didn’t really notice it until my kids started school’. Nicola chose to have children later in life and found the balance between her work-life and home-life almost impossible to reconcile,

 

‘I was either house-wife and mum, or corporate executive and those two parts of me felt completely disconnected. I do love both of those roles but I’m more than just that. The ‘real’ me just got lost in the noise’.

The truth is, we all evolve as time goes on. Being a mum will always be part of your identity, but it doesn’t have to be all of it.  Here’s what to do when you feel lost in motherhood:

1. Schedule time for yourself

And I do mean literally schedule in that time. Put it in your calendar like it’s an appointment or a class for your child. The amount of time and what you choose to do is up to you, but I suggest an hour every week where you can completely disconnect from motherhood. Go out of the house. Read a book, enjoy a coffee, go for a run — just do something entirely for yourself. You’ll feel better afterwards, I promise.

2. Set morning and evening routines

You probably have some sort of morning or bedtime routine for your children, but do you have one for yourself?

Small daily rituals can help you feel more in control of your life and help ease the pressure of a busy schedule. It might seem counterintuitive to ask you to introduce more into a packed lifestyle but a little bit of self-care can go a long way.Ideally, get up before the children are awake. Drink water, enjoy a cup of tea, read or meditate and you will find yourself more capable of tackling the morning rush.
In the evening, do something similar to wind down. Meditation and journaling are proven to be good for mental health and they are great tools to connect back in to ‘you’. Bonus points if you can look over your schedule for the following day and prepare.

3. Date night

Becoming parents inevitably changes the relationship you have with your partner. As children grow it’s easy to get stuck in a rut of being teammates rather than romantic partners. Get in touch with why you fell in love and plan a date for the two of you. The rule is, you are not allowed to talk about the kids! It’s harder than you think. Make an effort, get dressed up (if you like) and date each other again. You don’t even have to go out.

4. Do something you loved before becoming a mum

It’s easy to let hobbies go when you have a small person who’s depending on you. Life gets full and busy quickly and we often forget that we get to choose how we spend our free time. One quick way to remind yourself of who you are is to enjoy an activity or experience you loved before you were a mum. Maybe you adored dancing or painting or going to the movies. Find ways to introduce these into your life. It can be as simple as dancing around the lounge room!

5. Chat to your friends about your hopes and dreams

How often do you talk to your friends about your personal goals? Do you even know what they are?

It’s normal to focus on your children and their desires, but if we forget to think about what we want out of life it’s easy to wake up one day and realise that you don’t have a purpose without your children. That’s way too much pressure to put on them and not fair to the woman you are.

Make it a priority to talk to your friends about this. What do they want out of life? How can you support each other?

The trick is to integrate these activities with your identity as a mother. We aren’t trying to belittle or ignore your role since we all know that being a mum is as amazing as it is difficult. Instead, the aim is to reconnect to yourself and to discover who you are now — and remember that will change over time.

Change is normal during this time of transition, but you get to choose how you respond and what you choose to prioritise. When you choose to prioritise yourself, you’re choosing to prioritise your child’s mum. She’s worth it.

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FASHION

Style morphed into mumsy? Go edgy

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Trackpants or jeans may be your go-to, but Sydney fashion stylist and founder of Style Sense, Kim Crowley, shares her secrets for developing your personal style without compromising on practicality or breaking the bank. She explains how to feel more like ‘you’ again, the four most flattering colours in the world, plus the one mum staple we should all avoid…

After studying at the London College of Fashion, Kim Crowley has worked in the fashion industry for over twenty-one years including as a designer for several international high street brands. Now, she says she was part of the fast-fashion problem and is dedicated to being part of the solution by helping mums find and develop their unique style and shop more consciously.

“I want to help take the stigma away from fashion and help breakdown the process of dressing well so that mums, in particular, can feel good in the clothes they choose to wear.

It’s about being a bit more mindful and having a strategy about it. We know how to consume, we are very good at that, but now we have a wardrobe of clothes that don’t get worn.

“We don’t actually know how to dress ourselves, and that fascinates me.”

 As a mum, Kim understands the metamorphosis we all undergo as we become a mother, “As soon as you have a child and you start pushing a pram around, you immediately feel mumsy. And before that, your body is changing, you’re wearing maternity clothes and it’s easy to feel frumpy. Also, our body shape changes when we have children. We all tend to become a bit more apple-shaped. We have to consider that because you can’t escape it, but it’s not an excuse.”

Whilst some may think that they don’t have the time money and energy to put into their appearance, Kim has this advice, “I don’t tell mums to dress up, I say, ‘dress better’. That doesn’t mean spend a fortune, it just means update a few key bits. I lived in my active wear for a long time and people would tell me to ‘dress up a bit’, but I felt like they were telling me to put something sparkly on or wear a full face of make-up—but that’s the other extreme, when in fact there’s a whole big area in the middle to play with depending on who we are, what we want to achieve and how we want to feel.”

 Know where to invest and what to avoid

As for practical advice, Kim’s top tip to update your style is to invest in a new style of jeans. “A new jean shape is key because it’s an item that gets worn on high rotation for parks, playdates and those endless doctor appointments. Rather than living in your skinnies, maybe try a mom jean or opt for a cinch waist, or perhaps a wedgie fit where it’s more fitted at the hip and then parallel through the leg.”

Furthermore, “the best way to compensate for feeling mumsy is to go to the other extreme and add something with a bit of attitude. Including a leopard print purse, even inside your nappy bag, or a pair of shoes with some studs on balances out the mum label and can help you to feel more like ‘you’ again. But one of the most unflattering things we can wear is actually the black round-toed ballet flat! They don’t do anyone any favours.”

Lots of mums hold off on investing in their wardrobe until they reach their ideal weight. Kim says one of the reasons she set up her business was in response to the debilitating self-talk that women engage in. We are so cruel to ourselves and Kim adds, “We literally cut ourselves into pieces saying, ‘I like this bit; I hate this bit’ (whilst pointing at forearms, then upper arms). My male clients will just look at themselves and go, ‘Yep. I’m good’. The difference is amazing. And this way of talking to ourselves gets passed down to our children. We need to start to understand that we all have good features, and you can dress to highlight them. In fact, one of my clients said, ‘I want to dress for my body, not find a new diet’.” Isn’t that just spot on?

“Mums are martyrs. We give excuses as to why we can’t spoil ourselves; we tell ourselves it’s too indulgent. Glennon Doyle, in her book, Untamed, explains that we should not be martyrs but instead remember that we are role models to our children. We need to stop the idea that, ‘Oh, no I can’t, I’m a mum’. Actually, it’s precisely because you are a mum that you should be nice to yourself! It’s like on an aeroplane when they tell you to attend you your own oxygen mask first.

You need to look after yourself before you can care for others.

Plus, your children see that you value your self-worth and that’s the most powerful lesson you can teach them”

Discover your personal style

So how do you begin to discover your personal style and figure out what looks good on you? “Have a think about the pieces that you wear a lot and why you wear them. Then, who do you look at for inspiration? Do they have a really clean style, do they wear soft fabrics or really structured pieces? Just try and diagnose why you like what you like,” Kim says.

But what if I like lots of different things? Kim shares this wisdom, “I find it really interesting that we try and sum up personal style with labels like ‘boho’ or ‘minimal’, but that’s such a dated way of doing it. It’s actually the way we wear our clothes that’s important. We end up with a blended style like, ‘I’m classic with an edge and a little bit of boho’. It’s the way you wear your looks—whether that’s oversized, tighter fitting, structured—that’s your personal style. Mums are multifaceted and we have to move from one thing to another seamlessly so it can be hard to nail down your personal style although every single person has one. Until you have time to actually focus on this you probably don’t think there’s much unique about you, but I promise you there is!” Kim suggests getting out your favourite pieces, the ones you love to wear and feel great in, and having a look to see what style, fit and colour these pieces tend to be. Give yourself permission and time to investigate.

Colour is everything

If you really want to make a big difference, Kim says, “Colour is everything. When I was upskilling from a designer to a stylist there was this whole thing about ‘having your colours done’ and I thought, ‘Ugh, this seems really dated. I’ll just skip over it. I really rejected the idea and I didn’t want it to work. But, it was absolutely amazing; I was blown away by how different I felt when I was wearing colours that flattered me versus colours that didn’t. Clients feedback weekly about how that knowledge has changed their life”.

“The right colour makes you look like you’re wearing a tinted moisturiser, the eyes sparkle and you look like you’ve had a good night’s sleep, which as mums can be pretty transformative. I create colour wallets for mums all the time and I have a great modern way of doing it that translates to clothes. Plus, I have found the four most flattering colours so if you don’t know what your colours are, start here: Teal, Salmon, Navy and your best version of White. These four colours sit right in the middle of the colour wheel so they will look pretty good on everybody. When you are wearing the right colours you will feel better and more confident.”

“Once you have the knowledge of what colours and shapes suit you, you are empowered. You won’t ever get sold to again. You can ignore the shop assistant that tells you’ll look great in lemon yellow because you know better.”

Most of us have several garments we don’t wear. Kim says playing around and creating different outfits from what you already have is one of her favourite parts of her job. But you can do it too, just spend the time to have a proper look at what you’ve got. Kim doesn’t spend a fortune on clothes, and nor do her clients. “People who come to me for a ‘mummy-makeover’ usually just need help with the ‘middle’ of their wardrobe and filling the gaps so that their entire collection is useable, practical and stylish.”

She advises taking photos of outfits to save time and energy every morning. “There’s no thinking required. Once you know your best colours, styles and shapes, shopping can become a treasure hunt instead of an overwhelming experience that forces you to just buy what you habitually buy. We can spend half your budget and get twice as many outfits, just by being strategic and having a creative outlook.”

Excuse me while I go and play dress up…

 

 

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LIFESTYLE

10 ways to love lockdown (or at least hate it less)

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Lockdown sucks.

My heart goes out to anyone who is on the frontline, is struggling for work, is struggling with work and learning from home or who is separated from family. These times are challenging for everyone. I appreciate that I cannot possibly know or completely understand your personal circumstances, but I do appreciate that it can be tough. Really tough. You are being asked to do the impossible.

At my house, my husband is working long hours from home, often starting at 8am and not finishing until after 6pm. Our three children are learning from home and I’m trying to supervise, whilst doing my own work and keeping the house in some semblance of order. My younger two, who are still at primary school, obviously need the most input from me, whilst my eldest is reasonably self-sufficient but gets distracted; I have to check in a lot to make sure she’s on task and that she is remembering to take breaks from her screen. I seem to get one child started on an activity before another child finishes or has a problem with the laptop, or zoom, or spelling, or just loses focus, or is bored or hungry or just wants to see what everyone else is up to. In short, it’s not easy. We’d never ask a teacher to teach three classes at once, would we? And I know a lot of you are in a similar position.

It is true that there’s so much beyond your control and so much uncertainty, however, there is also a lot you can control. A very wise person (my grandma) once told me,

‘You can’t control everything all the time,

but you can always control your response.

There is your power.’

So, with that in mind, let’s look at 10 ways to love lockdown—or at least hate it less. After all, numerous mums lamented their lack of time and overall busy schedules before lockdown and I know many of them would have been delighted to press ‘pause’ on life. Now we are in a somewhat ‘paused’ state, it’s far from perfect, but there are some things we can do to make this time a positive one.

1. Schedule downtime

Plan a walk with a friend, a nap, a meditation session, a bath…whatever makes you feel better. Make an effort to prioritise it. It’s important to care for yourself as you care for your children.

2. Zoom party

Craving a catch up with the girls? We may not be able to meet in person at present, but what’s stopping you from inviting your friends to a virtual cocktail hour this Saturday night?

3. Differentiate the weekends

It can get a bit like Groundhog Day in lockdown. So, make an effort to make your weekends different. Go out as a family and do a long bush walk or bike ride. Have some fun with a family games afternoon, baking session, or even hide and seek (kick it up a notch by playing in the dark with torches). Order takeaway, dessert delivery or a box of Lego — everyone deserves to relax and have fun.

4. Get outside

I promise you’ll feel better. Fresh air is good for your mood and your soul, especially if it’s nice and sunny. Let the kids run and burn some energy. Move your body and breathe in the day. Bonus points if you can sit outside to meditate.

5. Enjoy a good book (or movie)

We all need a little escapism sometimes and whilst we can’t travel at the moment, the whole world awaits inside books. Or if you need something uplifting, consider a book more geared towards personal growth or positivity: Untamed by Glennon Doyle and Phosphorescence by Julia Baird are both great options for this.

6. Change your clothes

I don’t just mean change into clean clothes, I mean change out of your active wear, joggers or loungewear. Wear something that makes you feel great. Even choose to get dressed up for an at home date night. Or if you’re working from home, consider differentiating the day with your outfit by changing into loungewear when you’ve finished work for the day (and not before!).

7. Flexible work

Many employers understand the struggle of managing children at home and trying to work. If it’s getting too much for you, speak to your employer about adjusting your hours. Maybe you could work earlier in the day and then take a break to help with schooling before finishing later on. Or is there an option to reduce your hours temporarily? Or even take a day’s leave here and there.

8. Tag team with a partner

If you live with someone make sure you are sharing the workload. It’s easy to fall into habits and usually that means the mum doing the majority of the childcare and housework. Split it between you wherever you can.

9. Get up early 

It can be tempting to sleep in when you don’t need to rush out the door. But resist the temptation, get up and enjoy some time to yourself before you start the day. This is a time you can control. I love to meditate, journal and squeeze in a quick yoga session before my children are up, but you do what feels good to you. Maybe that’s a walk or run, or a coffee and a book.

10. Let go

Screen-time guilt and impossible schooling expectations aren’t helping you. These are unprecedented times and we need to be realistic about what’s achievable. If not, who suffers? You! And quite probably your children. Just try your best to let it go. This situation is temporary.

Overall, just try to be kind to yourself. You are being asked to do the impossible.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that nothing can be taken for granted.

Notice what you’re grateful for. Notice what you can control. It’s perfectly fine to be ok one day and then not the next. Just take it easy.  And remember, ‘You can’t control everything all the time, but you can always control your response. There is your power.’

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WELLSPRING

A Spiritual Journey … Do I need to be religious?

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Spirituality is defined by an awareness of the soul, spirit or the essence of ‘you’ and whilst it can be aligned with religious beliefs, it doesn’t have to be. Where religion can provide an ethical framework, spirituality calls for deep connection to ‘self’ in order to foster qualities such as love, empathy and harmony.

What is the meaning of life?

Are we the result of an unlikely chemical reaction 13.8 billion years ago or is there some higher power? Ultimately, the question is how do we actually live a ‘good’ life?

As a race, we have pondered our existence for 2,500 years, since Plato and Aristotle concluded that all humans desired Eudaimonia (roughly translated as ‘happiness’). While this might seem obvious, how can we achieve this bliss? Ancient Greek philosophers believed Eudaimonia could be accomplished by pursuing higher knowledge and promoting the common good, thus achieving our reason for being.

Culturally, promoting the common good is often tied to religious practice where organised religion serves to provide an ethical framework to foster qualities such as selflessness, empathy, kindness and harmony. Of course, religion is not the only way to pursue these goals, which is important since younger generations are choosing spirituality over religion.

A current buzzword, Spirituality, can be defined by an awareness of the soul, spirit or one’s inner essence, which encapsulates a feeling that one is part of something larger than oneself. A spiritual journey often involves looking inwards to address inner divinity, whether as part of a religious faith or a personal journey. This path can shift conscious awareness, allowing for a more contented and enlightened state.

Recorded experiences of spiritual awakening detail a feeling of bliss, calm and euphoria; such awakenings are often triggered by trauma or turmoil. Senior lecturer in Psychology at Leeds Beckett University, Dr. Steve Taylor, began researching and collecting details of spiritual experiences and found that many awakenings occur at times of deep personal suffering and are characterised by a sudden feeling that everything is as it should be. Dr Taylor spoke to one such person, Emma, who had been hospitalised with severe depression. Plagued with suicidal thoughts, Emma hadn’t spoken to anyone for four days when she experienced a spiritual awakening after picking up a marble from her bedside table. She explains:

“I saw reality as simply this perfect one-ness. I felt suddenly removed from everything that was personal. Everything seemed just right. The marble seemed a reflection of the universe. All my problems and my suffering suddenly seemed meaningless, ridiculous, simply a misunderstanding of my true nature and everything around me. There was a feeling of acceptance and oneness. It was a moment of enlightenment.”

Another account reveals the experience of a middle aged man who was married with children when he began to realise he was attracted to men. His marriage ultimately broke down but he describes his spiritual awakening:

“It was our last family holiday before the break up. We were in Tunisia and went on an excursion down to the Sahara. We went on a camel ride across part of the desert and at the end of the day, I sat on a sand dune watching the sunset. There were quite a few people around but it was as if everyone else disappeared. Everything just ceased to be. I lost all sense of time. I lost myself. I had a feeling of being totally at one with nature, with a massive sense of peace. I was a part of the scene. There was no ‘me’ anymore. I was just sitting there watching the sun set over the desert, aware of the enormity of life, the power of nature, and I never wanted it to end.”

Although we can’t be guaranteed a spiritual experience like these, it is enlightening to realise that we have some power over how we view the world. Our thoughts and internal dialogue are key to our experience of life according to Buddhist practitioner, Sarah Napthali. Sarah quotes the Buddha: “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world.”  (The Complete Buddhism for Mothers). You have the power to transform your world.

Some people claim that religion and finding God has been integral to changing their world. Depressed teenager Doug claims that lithium, counselling and anti-depressants did not work but finding God and Christianity saved him from suicide. University of Texas Astronomer, Don, was a self-proclaimed “fire-breathing atheist” until he found God after reading the book Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis (famous author of The Chronicles of Narnia).

Dr. Hugh Ross, the youngest ever director of observations at Vancouver’s Royal Astronomical Society, began to analyse a variety of religious texts for accuracy. He concluded that the Bible is more reliable than the laws of physics he had studied at university. And it’s not just Christianity, Los Angeles native, Kylie, explains how Judaism helped her to hone her moral values and find happiness after she became disillusioned with the materialistic world of the television industry.

If you have faith in religion, latest research (2015) by world-renowned and nonpartisan body, Pew Research Center, shows you are not alone: 31 per cent of the world population identify with the Christian faith, 24 per cent identify as Muslim, 16 per cent are unaffiliated with any religion and 15 per cent are Hindu. The remaining 14 per cent of the population practice smaller religions such as Buddhism, Folk Religions and Judaism.

Religious practice often focuses on external stimuli such as places of worship, scripture, ritual or Holy objects and involves an organised system of worship. World religions are often centred around the life and teachings of an individual such as Christ, Buddha, Moses or Krishna.

With reference to ancient religion, Adam Brady, an educator from The Chopra Centre, highlights the importance of the practical application of the founder’s teachings. He references the Japanese poet, Matsuo Basho, who says, “Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the wise. Seek what they sought.” This suggests that spirituality can provide another level to religious faith; religion and spirituality are not mutually exclusive.

However, the 2016 Australian Census revealed 30 per cent of Australians have no religious affiliation and this trend is accelerating; whilst those over 65 are mostly Christian, younger Australians aged 18 to 34 are more likely to have no religion.

Having no religion is not the same as being an atheist; an atheist does not believe in any gods but may have other beliefs. Aside from belief in a god, many people speculate on the possibility of a higher power or energy between us; some take this idea further and believe we all have a soul: an intense energy separate from the physical body, which will live on after we die. 

In line with this New Age thinking, there are many different branches of non-traditional world religions, such as Spiritualism ,whose followers believe that living beings can interact with departed souls, usually through a medium. Acclaimed author of Journey of Souls and Master Hypnotherapist, Dr Michael Newton, claims to have uncovered details about life in the spirit world after death on Earth through deep hypnosis sessions with 29 clients.

This may be a stretch for many, however being spiritual is simply loving all beings, including yourself; it’s about cultivating an ability to rise above one’s emotional state, to let go and to develop our essential loving nature.

Becoming more spiritual has its benefits. Research published in the Journal of Business Research has shown meditation and yoga reduces stress and improves academic performance. Professor of Medicine and Health Science at George Washington University, Dr Christina Puchalski, champions these benefits, claiming spirituality can “restore the heart and humanity to healthcare” and draws a distinction between true healing and “technical and disease oriented care”. She also argues that the caring connection between patient and doctor is integral to recovery and that, “spirituality is essential to all of medicine and healthcare”.

So, what now? If you are interested in developing spirituality, whether you are religious or not, practicing meditation is a great first step. It doesn’t have to take hours, and you don’t have to sit cross-legged on a carpet chanting, “Ohm”. Just 10 minutes of meditation daily can help us check in and reflect. You can find guided meditations on the Wellspring website. Silent contemplation is a luxury worth prioritising amongst the information overload of the 21st century; it’s a form of Self Love.

Increasing spirituality through meditation rouses a feeling of inner peace. Whether we believe that inner peace comes from a connection to God, oneself or some other energy, the effects of sustained practice are undeniable. While it may not provide all the answers to the meaning of life, it’s a great place to start.

Spirituality is a broad term and has different connotations for different people. The overarching principle is growing an awareness of oneself and one’s place in the world, expanding consciousness and ultimately promoting the common good. You can do that alone or as part of religious practice.

Philosopher Socrates famously said, “The unexamined life is not worth living”. Perhaps now is a good time to examine your own life, beliefs and spirituality.

 

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DEVELOPMENT

Parenting right from the start: The critical formula from child psychologist Dr. Vanessa Lapointe

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On her recent Australian tour, hosted by Maggie Dent, registered child psychologist and founder of Wishing Star Lapointe Developmental Clinic, Dr. Vanessa Lapointe disclosed her ultimate formula for parenting. Offspring shares her advice.

If you’ve ever wished your baby came with an instruction manual, you are not alone. Parenting can be overwhelming and there’s so much conflicting advice it’s hard to know how to best parent your children. Thankfully, Dr. Vanessa Lapointe dispels common myths in her guide to laying a healthy foundation for the baby and toddler years, Parenting Right From the Start. She asserts that there is a way to successfully navigate the struggles of parenthood whilst fostering a sense of wellbeing in your children. It’s all down to a simple parenting formula:

1 – Make sense of who you are

2 –  Understand your child’s needs

3 –  Step in.

Let’s break it down step by step:

1- Making sense of who you are

Dr. Vanessa Lapointe makes it clear that you will parent as you were parented. This means you need to assess your own upbringing and evaluate the parenting patterns that dominated your own childhood.

Typically, these are not comfortable revelations. However, Dr. Lapointe is quick to point out that all parents do the best with the tools they have – in the era in which they were parenting. She argues that most adults these days will have been parented according to ‘behaviourist’ principles.

This way of parenting was focused on manipulating a child into behaving well. This was because ‘good’ behaviour was considered equal to ‘good’ parenting. You can still hear the hangover from this style of parenting in today’s parenting pop culture: How often do you hear, “Good boy” or “Good girl”? Often, strategies such as ‘consequences’ were devised to encourage children to adhere to the rules.

One such strategy is the principle of a time-out. In a time-out, a child is removed from a situation because they are behaving poorly. It’s the equivalent of making a child stand in the corner. The parent does not make eye contact, the parent does not give the child their voice and instead removes all connection. The problem with this model is that the most important thing for a developing child is connection.

Reward charts do not fare much better. Dr Lapointe is quick to point out that a sparkly gold sticker might be great to praise a particular behaviour, but the flip-side is it quickly becomes the ‘not-star chart’ meaning that all other behaviours do not get a star and so the child feels punished.

So traditionally we have coerced our children into ‘behaving’ by removing the one thing they need the most: connection. These old methods do usually get results, at least at first, but Dr. Lapointe cautions that it comes at a cost. To highlight this point, Dr. Lapointe refers to the ‘still face experiment’ where a mother engages with her baby as she would at home, before turning and clearing her face of all emotion. When she turns back to the baby she has a completely ‘still’ face. She has disconnected. It’s not easy to watch. The baby becomes very distressed until the mother re-engages and connects.

Thankfully, Dr Lapointe says, “Now, we know better”.  By understanding and making sense of who we are, we are in a better position to parent differently.

2 – Understand your child’s needs

The second part of the parenting formula involves understanding your child’s individual needs, and not setting the bar too high.  Most children need time to develop and grow. If we choose to rush childhood in order to make our lives easier, it can have a long-lasting negative impact.

Dr. Lapointe highlights our need to grow children who are capable and independent without stopping to consider what is really age appropriate. She likens this rush to pulling on the top of a plant. A plant will not grow faster or better if you are pulling on the top of it; instead this will uproot it and cause damage. It’s the same with child development.

One area that parents are keen to rush (for obvious reasons) is sleep training. Sleep training is a key area of tension, conflict and comparison among new parents. Many new mums find themselves sneaking the cot back into the main bedroom or cuddling their child to sleep every night but feeling guilty that the child will never learn to ‘self-soothe’. Dr Lapointe reassures new mums that being attentive and fostering that intimate relationship with your new baby is absolutely the right thing to do. Babies who feel loved, connected, safe and secure will develop as nature intended and will eventually learn to settle on their own when the conditions are right.

She suggests that sleep training is in fact for adults. It is adults who need to learn to create the right environment for a secure and settled child, everything else will follow on if they have the number one thing that all children need: connection.

 

All children progress through various stages of brain development as they grow. Psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld shines a light on the way children make sense of their relationships and how parents can tune in to support them:

Year One

The attachment relationship is understood in sensory terms: Babies want to taste, touch and smell you.

Year Two

In the second year of life children add to their sense of attachment through sameness. They want to see the similarities between you e.g. Mummy likes apples just like me!

Year Three 

A child makes sense of attachment in their third year through as sense of belonging and loyalty. They are likely to become very possessive at this age e.g “My Mummy!’ A secret handshake and saying, “My boy” or “My girl” will help a child of this age feel connected.

Year Four

This year a child wants to feel significant. They want to feel that they matter.  Typically they will show you every drawing they do, seeking attention and to feel important. Try to give them this attention and stay one step ahead by thinking of ways to show them they are special.

Year Five

The feeling of love truly resonates at this age. Expect lots of drawings of love hearts! Reciprocate this new feeling of love to help your child feel connected to you at this age.

Year Six

Although falling in love with you seems like the most profound connection, in their sixth year they will feel truly known. They understand that every aspect of them (the good, the bad and the ugly) can shine through in the restful knowledge that all will be accepted.

3- Step in.

This is about being the parent. Offspring recently shared a free excerpt from Dr. Lapointe’s new book in which she discusses ‘parental swagger’. This is about being ‘large and in charge’ whilst being respectful of what your child needs you to be in any given moment. Children need to know that you’ve got this.

Dr. Lapointe describes the parenting mountain, where every parent wants to sit at the peak and enjoy the spectacular views.  The problem is that it is easy to slide off of this peak and fall down one of the sides: Either down a bullying, emotionally distant and disconnected slope or conversely down an overly kind, pandering and ‘jellyfish’ slope.

The first slope sees us so determined to enforce rules that we forget to connect with our children. It is the remnants of the behaviourist parenting theories. However, the other side is no better. This side sees you reluctant to maintain control and be in charge, it sees you lacking ‘parental swagger’ and is equally harmful for child development.

What your child needs, at any stage of development, is a balance of both. Everyone has off days but if you can provide an environment where your child feels seen, heard and connected to you then you are on the right track.

Your child needs to be able to lean on you as they navigate their childhood. If you are yelling at them or shaming them for behaviour you don’t like, are they likely to want to lean in to you and to show you their most loving side? No, of course not.

Conversely, if you agree to everything they ask and let them do as they please, are they going to feel that you are strong enough to guide them through life’s challenges? No, they won’t.

So what does parenting ‘right’ really look like?

Let’s use the formula on a real-life scenario:

Imagine your child is having a meltdown in the middle of the supermarket because you won’t let them have a cookie right before dinnertime.

1- Making sense of who you are

In this case you need to check in to understand your response to their meltdown. Are you feeling stressed about the judging eyes of other people around you? Do you feel like you just want to give in to make this behaviour stop so you won’t be embarrassed?

Acknowledging these feelings is the first step in being able to break the cycle so that you can parent better.

2 – Understand your child’s needs

No matter how old your child is, they need to be seen and heard. They need you to get down on their level and calmly tell them that you understand it’s disappointing that they got a ‘no’ when they were hoping for a ‘yes’. Disappointment is a tough emotion to regulate, and they need to learn these skills from you. Acknowledge your child’s emotional response. It’s a normal part of healthy development!

3 – Step in

Now step in with your parental swagger and be the parent. Use your ‘large and in charge’ voice to firmly reiterate that, “No, they cannot have a cookie before dinnertime”. Note that you do not have to justify yourself. Getting into a battle about whether or not they will eat their dinner is starting to have ‘jellyfish’ tendencies and is not helpful. Young children are not at a developmental age to rationalise consequences of eating a cookie now and its impact on their appetite. That’s your job.

Just step in and be the parent.

Cultivate an intimate relationship that is kind, caring and connected whilst maintaining a good degree of parental swagger. Do that most days? You’re getting it right.

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LIFESTYLE

How to maintain your sanity if you’re working from home

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Working from home is a perk of modern-day employment but what happens when you are forced to work at home for a prolonged period? How do you actually get anything done amid the chaos and detritus of everyday home life? Offspring shares some tried and tested tips.

In these strange and uncertain times, many parents find themselves working from home. In an effort to help stop the spread of the current outbreak of Coronavirus, some employers have closed offices or set up a roster for employees to work from home whilst others are choosing to self-isolate over health concerns.

It’s tempting to think that this will mean you can chill out in your pyjamas all day because really, what’s the point in getting dressed if no one will see you? However, the novelty is likely to wear off quickly.

Boost your productivity and mental health by following this advice:

 

  • Schedule time in your day for work – ideally when the kids are being cared for by someone else, and stick to your schedule.

 

  • Dress appropriately for work – you’ll feel more prepared for challenges and it will help you separate work from play.

 

  • Set up a work space – maybe a desk in your lounge room, or an office in the garage (or shed!) but make it practical and attractive so you’re happy to be there.

  • Start early – your morning can set the tone for the day. Getting up an hour early helps you to get ahead and be ready for when the kids get up.

 

  • Divide the chores between family members – this will help you to concentrate on work rather than using your time on household chores.

 

  • Sort out childcare – sharing childcare with your partner means you can still be there for your children but you can both get work done as well.

  • Equip yourself  – you probably need wireless internet, a laptop and a smartphone to allow you to work flexibly.

 

  • Use chat platforms such as Messenger or email rather than phone calls – that way no-one can hear your toddler yelling in the background!

 

  • Have a box of toys that’s available only when you’re working – pull it out when you need that extra half an hour. The novelty should keep little hands and minds busy!

And most importantly:

  • Take time to rest and reset.

If you are spending more time than usual at home, it’s easy to fall into the trap of always being available. It’s not selfish to take time out to recharge­ – maybe have a bath, curl up on your bed with a book or watch rubbish on TV. The housework can just wait.

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