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Do you ever feel guilty for taking time off or doing things for yourself, or does guilt and obligation ever influence your choices or plague you with regret? Some might worry that without guilt and obligation they won’t fulfill responsibilities, but, as you’ll soon see, this just isn’t the case. So, if you’re ready to be freed from guilt and obligation, this is for you!

In theory, it might sound nice to put others first, but when guilt and obsessive obligation cloud personal needs, it’s easy to become last on your own list, and consequently, the hidden costs can be unending. Under the spell of guilt and obligation, we may suppress expression, remain disempowered, and disregard the inner guidance that could otherwise lead us to joy. Moreover, if we are afraid to cause harm or inconvenience to others, guilt and obligation might trap us in jobs or relationships well past their expiration date.

Guilt is so emotionally debilitating that we’ll do almost anything to avoid it. Indeed, it’s much easier to say yes and avoid guilt, then suffer the consequences, and, if never-ending guilt is not enough to control our behavior, the after-effects of regret can haunt our memories for life.

No doubt, there’s a huge cost for playing the Guilt Game, and it’s a game that can never be won!

My mother was the queen of guilt, and she generously taught me everything she knew, and, in fact, I spent the first twenty-something years of my life trying to please her, and everyone else for that matter. But, it never worked, because it was impossible to meet every expectation, so no matter how much I tried, guilt had me under siege. Year after year, it turned me into a phony people pleaser, but underneath the cloud of guilt, I was screaming to get out! With no exit strategy, I did my best to suppress resentment, stress and overwhelm, but, when repercussions finally caught up, guilt manifested as chronic fatigue syndrome. Although this gave me an excuse to say no to all the people I pleased, I still felt too guilty to put my needs first. By that point, it was perfectly clear that guilt would be my master until I learned to master guilt.

Indeed, I was right – once I understood the dynamics behind guilt and obligation, I took responsibility for the racket I was unconsciously running, and after that, it was surprisingly easy to escape the Guilt Trap once and for all!  And, if I can do it, you can too!

I offer the following as your “Get Out of Guilt Free Card,” and I’m going to show you exactly how to use it!

“Under the spell of guilt and obligation, we may suppress expression, remain disempowered, and disregard the inner guidance that could otherwise lead us to joy.”

Hidden Dynamics of the Guilt Trap

Like any trap, to escape the Guilt Trap, you must first understand how it operates, and then use this knowledge to free yourself. In fact, just by spotlighting the hidden dynamics, clarity can transform confusion into control, and the chains will begin to loosen.

The Origins of Guilt

In primitive times, if our tribes found us unworthy, it led to shame, abandonment, and often death, and this meant that worthiness was essential for survival. Since the ego is a survival program in the subconscious mind, its primary objective is to ensure worth (to prevent abandonment), and it does so by utilizing the Worthiness Program.

Although times have changed and survival is no longer dependent on worth, the Worthiness Program continues to operate, and, as a result, it motivates us toward “worth-producing behaviors” and away from “useless behaviors” that do not prove, protect or improve worth. And its’ two secret weapons are guilt and obligation.

The purpose of obligation is to motivate you to do whatever it takes to prove or maintain worth so that your modern day tribe will provide approval and acceptance, and, therefore, not abandon you. If you were to make a list of all your obligations, you might realize that most represent the specific conditions you must meet to be worthy, such as fulfilling roles, living up to expectations, being needed, demonstrating importance, etc….  Obligation tells you what to do, and guilt (or fear of impending guilt) ensures you follow through – just the thought of putting off your “to do list” may be enough to induce painful bouts of guilt.

Guilt says, “Who do you think you are? How dare you choose yourself over others?”

Obligation and guilt are strange bedfellows and if one doesn’t get you, the other will. Even if you get away with shirking obligation, there’s a price for saying no. Guilt is your judge and jury, and by nature of guilt, you’re guilty until proven innocent, and because guilt is the punishment and the Punisher, your fate is sealed and your sentence guaranteed.

“Obligation and guilt are strange bedfellows and if one doesn’t get you, the other will.”

The Cost of Guilt and Obligation

In return for obligation-driven behavior, others might give us approval, acceptance, appreciation, or another emotional need associated with worth. Although this may be momentarily satisfying, according to the Worthiness Program, we are only worthy as long as we meet conditions and receive the emotional need most associated with worth. Furthermore, we must be sufficiently worthy before taking time off or doing something simply for the fun of it, but, it’s a trap because proving one’s worth can never be done, and the endless attempt can result in dire consequences.

Every time guilt or obligation gets the deciding vote, it results in some form of self-suppression, repression, or even depression, and, consequently, creates another hole for energy to drain.

No doubt, there’s an accumulative cost to putting ourselves last. Over time, ignoring personal needs and desires wreaks havoc on the physical and emotional body, and it eventually manifests as the type of pain and suffering that forces us to withdraw our attention from others and focus on self-healing. Some people use illness as an excuse to put themselves first, but you don’t need excuses to care for yourself. In fact, if you need an excuse to say no, you’re going to unconsciously manifest excuses, and have to deal with the consequences. However, there’s no point disempowering yourself with avoidable problems when you can empower yourself with a permanent solution!

“Every time guilt or obligation gets the deciding vote, it results in some form of self-suppression, repression, or even depression, and, consequently, creates another hole for energy to drain.”

The Cure for Guilt and Obligation

Inevitably, the quest for conditional worth is doomed to fail. No matter what you do or how you do it, even if you attain great success or bend over backward to please others, there’s always someone who will disapprove, judge or reject, and, quite possibly that someone is you. When every situation, experience, and relationship requires continuous proof of worth, the game never ends, and sooner or later, it becomes apparent that if you want to overcome obligation and avoid the Guilt Trap, you must turn off the Worthiness Program. Once the Worthiness Program is deactivated, there is no longer a reason to be motivated by obsessive obligation, and as obligation loses hold, guilt naturally dissolves over time.

“No matter what you do or how you do it…there’s always someone who will disapprove, judge or reject, and, quite possibly that someone is you.”

How to Deactivate the Worthiness Program

Stop Trying to Prove, Protect or Improve Worth!

Here’s the truth that can set you free; you are unconditionally worthy, and because worth is guaranteed and intrinsic, no matter what you do or don’t do, you are no less worthy. But, it is not enough to consciously know this truth without reprogramming your subconscious mind, and this means that you must convince your subconscious of your unconditional worth. Since any attempt to prove, protect or improve worth reinforces the idea of conditional worth, you must stop thinking and acting like your worth is conditional. By claiming your unconditional worth, you tell your subconscious mind that abandonment does not threaten your survival, and, consequently, the Worthiness Program can turn off.

Release Conditions

Disentangle your worth from what you do, how you look, where you live, status, accomplishments, diplomas, roles you play, living a certain way, or whatever your conditions of worth might be.

Command Worth

Whatever you say after “I am” is a command to the subconscious mind, so even if you don’t fully believe it yet, claim, “I Am Unconditionally Worthy.” You may need to make this command thousands of times before your subconscious believes it, so keep at it until you feel worthy.

Dismiss the Jury that Decides Worth!

Stop allowing others to determine your worth; let everyone off the hook and take your power back. It’s none of your business what anyone thinks about you.

Demonstrate Worth!

If you believe you are worthy, your thoughts, actions, and behavior must consistently demonstrate worth. For example:

  • Think empowering thoughts and say no to self-judgment.
  • Care for your body as a sacred temple.
  • Set and enforce boundaries that teach others how to treat you.
  • Protect your energy and not allow anyone to bring you down.
  • Respect your time and say “no” when you want to say no.
  • Share your gifts and talents and do what you love to do.
  • Speak your truth and stand in your power.
  • Love who you really are and honor yourself as a treasure!

Although this may seem like a big list to master, healthy and abundant people live accordingly. Consider that each aspect of this list that is overlooked may result in corresponding issues.

The key point is choosing to believe that you are unconditionally worthy, and doing your best to act, think and behave like someone who knows and owns their worth. As you develop a new practice of unconditional worth remember to be kind and patient with yourself. It is a step by step, moment to moment, process until you reach a threshold where unconditional worth sets you free!

“Stop allowing others to determine your worth.”

Motivation to Inspiration

If you’re still worried that without guilt and obligation you won’t fulfill responsibilities, you can set your mind at ease. Sure, it’s possible that some responsibilities drop away, especially the things you’re only doing to prove or improve worth, but without guilt and obligation being the driving force, most people tend to show up more authentically, and, therefore, are much more effective in all areas of life, and this is exactly what I experienced.

Claiming my worth allowed me to identify my energy as valuable currency, and, as a result, I was able to realign all my relationships in ways that respected my time and energy, thereby filling the holes in my life where energy was leaking. Committed to my wellbeing, I said no over and over again until it was as effortless as breathing, and after a few months of guilt-free living, my energy was replenished, my health restored, and my zest for life reignited. As I treasured my energy, my energy manifested treasures, and, as a result, a most unexpected thing occurred. Overflowing with energy, I had an abundance to share, and I discovered a deep desire to contribute and be of service to others. However, without the dark spell of guilt and obligation, love effortlessly took the helm, and instead of being depleted, I became energized from the inside out. But, this is not just my experience; over the years, I have helped thousands of people do the same.

As ego-driven motivation falls away and source-driven inspiration takes its place, love becomes the guiding force, and this leads to a whole new way of living, where true authenticity inspires joy, contribution, and fulfillment. Isn’t this how life is meant to be lived?

This article is an excerpt from Nanice’s new book, “Is There a White Elephant in Your Way?”

Nanice Bio:
As a Conscious Creation Coach since 1997, Nanice teaches mastery level manifestation. Using quantum principals, human dynamics, consciousness techniques, and real life experiences, her powerful coaching style is often referred to as the “Nanice Effect.”  Nanice is the author of several inspirational books including, “Is There a White Elephant in Your Way? – a comprehensive guidebook to awakening and self-empowerment.” Sign up for Nanice’s Free 7 Part Awakening Series at www.Nanice.com/Awaken. To find out more, please visit www.Nanice.com

The Radical Parents Guide to Raising Teens

 

Mainstream propaganda teaches parents to handle sensitive issues like sex and drugs, with a superficial “just say no” approach but if this black and white strategy worked, wouldn’t there be fewer kids doing drugs, drinking and having sex?  Since statistics don’t lie, it’s plain to see that teens participate in mature behaviors whether parents like it or not.

As an New York crisis counselor, I worked with adolescents between the ages of 12 and 19. Over the course of seven years, hundreds of teens told me things they were too afraid to tell their parents, and, as a result, I learned about adolescence in ways that traditional education could never provide. I later used this knowledge to successfully raise three sons, and now I’m about to share what I learned (and practiced) with you!

The Age of Exploration

Although most of the world treats adolescence like a disease needing to be cured, adolescence is meant to be a bridge between childhood and adulthood where teens learn how to make age-appropriate choices, navigate responsibilities, and develop independence. Ideally, with this in mind, adolescence should provide the space for self-exploration and self-discovery. Unfortunately, the traditional “just say no” approach to parenting often sabotages these important aspects of adolescence, and, instead of encouraging self-empowerment and independence, many well-meaning parents attempt to restrain teen expression by tracking and controlling behavior.

 

Adolescence should provide the space for self-exploration and self-discovery.

In most cases, this parenting strategy backfires – trying to squash independence often encourages deceitful behavior where teens lie and sneak around, and when parents forbid mature behaviours and leverage punishment as a means of control, most teens rebel. Although rebellious behaviour is sometimes blatant, oftentimes, covert behaviour allows clever teens to bypass parental radar, and many teens learn how to manipulate rules with misdirection, while parents are never the wiser. Even when parents diligently monitor phone calls, texts, and emails, and enforce early curfews, teens still find ways to do the things they want to do.

 

Don’t Say “No” to Communication

Worst of all, when parents deal with sensitive or mature issues with the “just say no” approach, they often cut off any chance of meaningful communication, and, consequently, they miss pivotal opportunities to provide guidance when kids need it most. It’s pretty clear that teens don’t talk to parents about sensitive subjects when they fear judgment, punishment, or other repercussions and, unfortunately, without proper guidance and advice, teens often make important (and sometimes life changing) choices based on peer pressure, curiosity or hormones.

Many well-intentioned parents don’t realize that the “just say no” approach to parenting can be just as detrimental as ignoring important issues and hoping for the best. In fact, teens raised by strict or closed-minded parents are more likely to make poor choices and participate in dangerous activities. And, because these teens are afraid to confide in their parents when they experience negative consequences, they are more susceptible to depression and suicidal ideation.

If teens are afraid to confide in their parents, they are more susceptible to depression.

Space for Questioning

Most parents naturally want their children to follow family traditions, cultural beliefs and specific values that include good morals and a clear sense of right and wrong. However, once kids reach adolescence, healthy natural development motivates teens to challenge ideals and question everything.

Growing up requires trials and tribulations where teens test morals, ethics and beliefs, and, therefore, they need space to find their own truth. Like it or not, this translates into personal experiences where they can explore life and discover who they really are, and this could mean rejecting parental beliefs and making choices that go against everything they’ve been taught.

Surely, it can be difficult to watch our children question, or even reject, all we hold dear, but not allowing them to find their own answers is a recipe for parent-teen alienation.

THE AMISH WAY

Although the Amish are one of the strictest cultures in the world (even electricity is taboo), some Amish communities support a rather radical rites of passage known as “Rumspringa” (meaning running around). During “Rumspringa,” teens as young as 14 years old have the opportunity to explore modern life outside the Amish community; often living independently in the city and experimenting with alcohol, drugs and sexual behavior.

Surprisingly, after this period of adolescent exploration, almost 90% of Amish teens rejoin the Amish church, and because they make this choice consciously, they are fully committed for life. Clearly, the point is that, when given a choice, most teens eventually return to their roots.

Whether parents approve or disapprove, virtually all teens experiment with mature matters. As a parent, you can either help your kids make conscious and responsible choices or, by default, they will make their most important choices without you – and without the benefit of your wisdom and guidance. The answer to this dilemma is a Radical Parenting Approach where you think outside the box and aren’t afraid to toss antiquated parenting strategies to the curb!

Almost 90% Amish teens rejoin the Amish church after their phase of adolescent exploration.

The Radical Parents Guide to Raising Teens

 

Although teens are faced with adult choices on a regular basis, there’s no reason to allow peer pressure, hormones or fear to be deciding factors, nor is there any reason to miss pivotal parenting opportunities. As Radical Parents, we have the ability to raise teens who are confidently self-sufficient and emotionally well-adjusted. Knowing when (and how much) to let go, Radical Parents encourage age-appropriate independence while allowing teens to grow into their own space at their own pace. Ultimately, becoming self-empowered adults who own their worth and have mastered authentic self-expression.

In the following guide, the 3 Steps of Radical Parenting will show you how to build and sustain effective strategies for raising conscious and empowered teens.

STEP 1 – Radical Communication

The #1 tool for a Radical Parent is communication, and, in fact, without good, open communication, there’s no way to parent effectively. It’s fair to say that the ability to guide and influence adolescents is relative to the level of communication, and as communication improves, parental influence improves accordingly. In comparison to traditional parenting that depends on rule setting, discipline, and consequence-based parenting strategies, conscious communication creates a whole new paradigm for parenting. When it comes to parent-teen communication, here are the most pivotal concepts:

  • Refrain from Judgement

Believe it or not, most teens really want to speak openly with their parents, but, in many cases, well-intentioned parents inadvertently block communication by being judgmental. Although most parents don’t mean to judge their kids,when a parent focuses on misbehavior, faults or inadequacies, children of all ages experience judgment. Because parental judgment makes kids feel unworthy of parental love, it causes insecurity and makes them shut down (most teens only open up when they feel safe and loved). Even an isolated judgmental comment can cause teens to shut down and shut parents out.

If this isn’t a good reason to avoid criticism and judgment, also consider that parental judgment can damage a teen’s self-worth and become a source of disempowerment. It can also create the kind of guilt and shame that inhibits growth and development (impeding the type of learning that comes from mistakes). Of course, when teens make mistakes, refraining from judgment can be difficult, but this is exactly what a Radical Parent must do!

Here’s good news; if you don’t judge, get defensive or launch into lectures or explanations, teens often share the details of their lives and even ask advice. Hence, if you play your cards right, the best parenting opportunities lie ahead.

As communication improves, parental influence improves accordingly.

  • Avoid Power Games

Not only do teens need to feel unconditionally safe and loved, they also need to feel like they have some degree of power. When it comes to communication, there’s no way teens will talk to critical or condescending parents who make them feel powerless. So, when parents say things like, “I’m the parent and you have to do what I say” or “This is my house and as long as you live here, you’ll obey my rules,” there is no chance teens will open up and listen to parental advice.

In fact, when parents play these power games, teens often try to diminish parental power by demonstrating their own. For example, when teens feel powerless, they might intentionally break the rules, talk back, or rebel in some other manner, and if they feel powerless over an extended period of time, they might even run awayor threaten self-harm (regardless of precipitating factors, all threats should be taken seriously).

No one ever wins a power game because every move has a counter-move, and the more controlling you are as a parent, the more rebellious your teen will be. Even if you somehow win, if you alienate your teen and block communication, you’ll both lose!

Keeping in mind that rules and consequences established without teen participation encourage power struggles, a key element to Radical Parenting is negotiation. By discussing and negotiating rules and consequences and formulating agreements with your kids, they’ll feel like they have a say in their own lives, and, when it comes to communication, this can make all the difference in the world.

The more controlling you are as a parent, the more rebellious your teen will be. Even if you somehow win, if you alienate your teen and block communication, you’ll both lose.

  • Don’t Make Teens Lie

Parents hate it when kids lie, but they lie for the same reason adults lie; to avoid negative consequences, and this means that parental judgment or punishment can set the stage for lying and deception. In other words, if your child honestly tells you the truth about his thoughts, actions or behavior, and you respond with judgement or punishment, you’re teaching them to lie. Rather than risk parental wrath, most teens will choose to conceal the truth. So, if you want honesty, don’t punish your teen when you get it!

  • Beware the Test

Before communicating about more difficult subjects, teens sometimes test their parent’s reaction by introducing the subject matter as a third party story (maybe about a friend or something they heard on TV) and, if they sense any degree of parental judgment or closed-mindedness, they’ll drop the topic and never mention it again. This means that you’ll miss an opportunity to discuss a meaningful matter that affects your child.

  • Don’t Underestimate

Parents often avoid difficult discussions when they believe a teen is too young for mature subject matters. However, even if teens are immature for their age, or you think they are too young to make certain choices, if their friends or peers are engaging in mature behaviour, it’s inevitable that they will be faced with the same opportunities. Do you want peer pressure to guide your teen’s choices or might you be a wiser guide?

Here’s more good news; with open communication parental influence well-outweighs peer pressure.

If teens have friends or peers engaging in mature behaviour, it’s inevitable that they will be faced with the same opportunities.

  • Be Available, Pay Attention, and Listen

As Radical Parents,we must learn to be excellent listeners! Although you may find your teen’s interests boring to discuss, there are three good reasons to attentively listen when kids share the everyday, ordinary stuff.

Be Available: Often times, before teens bring up the real subject they want to discuss, they test parental interest by talking about something nonsensical and depending on a parent’s level of attention, they decide whether or not to engage communication. So, if you’re annoyed at the interruption, distracted or more interested in something else, the conversation is done before it begins.

Pay Attention: Before approaching adult-like conversations, many teens attempt to connect with their parents by talking about meaningless stuff. In fact, this is a common way for teens to gauge their parent’s current mood and predict reactions, and if kids anticipate judgment, punishment or condemnation, they’ll silently choose to conceal the real reason for discussion.

Listen: If you don’t listen when your children speak about ordinary things, they’ll think you won’t listen when they have something serious to say.

You just never know when your teen has something important to share, so it’s best not to risk missing potential parenting opportunities. Although most teens don’t outwardly initiate a conversation with their parents, whenever teens try to get a parent’s attention, it usually indicates they want to talk. Other indicators include dropping subtle hints or silently following a parent around without any noticeable intention. Therefore, if there is any sign your teen wants to talk, drop everything and pay attention; turn off your phone, computer, and TV. However, don’t expect your teen to do the same. Eventually, you can make this an agreed rule, but first,you must set and establish a precedent where you give your full undivided attention.

You just never know when your teen has something important to share, so it’s best not to risk missing potential parenting opportunities.

How to Communicate with Teens

  • Timing is Everything

When it comes to parent-teen communication, timing is everything. If you try to push, manipulate or pressure teens into meaningful conversations before they’re open, it’s probably not going to fly. When my boys were adolescents, I learned to patiently wait for opportunities when they would be receptive to guidance. Sometimes, this meant waiting many months, but, hands down, it was always worth the wait! So, be chill and keep the door open; just let your teen know you are available to listen whenever he or she wants to talk. But, also, stay conscious, so when opportunity knocks, you’re ready to offer guidance and support.

  • Opportunity Knocks

The opportunity for communication often knocks when adolescents are faced with difficult issues or experiencing the natural consequences of poor decisions (this is when they are most receptive to support and guidance). However, although times of confusion or crisis offer priceless opportunities to connect and mentor, there’s a delicate balance; if you intervene too much, become controlling, or invasive, your teen might close down, and, consequently, your ability to mentor and guide will be equally diminished. By avoiding judgment, lectures, and control tactics, and showing unconditional love and support, Radical Parents hold the space for communication and exploration.

  • Allow Silence and Awkwardness

Since teens are just learning how to put words to their thoughts and feelings, it’s important to allow time and space for silence and awkwardness. In fact, it’s common for teens to speak slowly with a lot of space between thoughts. So, if you jump in with solutions or interrupt their process of communication for any reason, they may close down and stop talking altogether, and you’ll never know what’s really going on (or how to help). If you dominate the conversation, you will likely miss what they really want to say, so, as a good rule, allow your teen to talk (at least) twice as much as you.

  • Talk Feelings

You may want to protect your teen from emotional pain, but it’s just not possible, and even if you could, you might actually cause more harm than good. Yes, challenging situations sometimes result in painful emotions, but these experiences are precious opportunities for growth and learning. So, instead of suppressing or avoiding uncomfortable feelings, Radical Parents teach their teens how to feel and process emotions. Remember, if you want kids to share their feelings, you must create a safe (judgement-free) space for expression. 

 

  • Be a Source of Empowerment

In addition to actively listening without judgment or commentary, a Radical Parent is a source of empowerment and upliftment. Instead of focusing on negativity and mistakes, show your sons and daughters what they do “right,” and teach them how to learn from their mistakes without self-judgment (because it damages self-worth and causes disempowerment). By the end of a meaningful conversation (even if the problem is not yet resolved), your teen should feel more capable and confident in his/her actions. As an added benefit, when children feel supported by their parents, they are more inclined to share challenging subject matters.

  • Confidentiality is Crucial

If you desire open communication, you must respect your teen’s confidentiality. So, whatever your teen confides in you stays with you (unless it involves a potentially harmful situation like suicidal ideation, for example). Or, if you believe the other parent needs to be informed, don’t go behind your teen’s back. Instead, ask your teen to communicate directly, or let him or her know you plan to communicate and explain why.

  • Improve Communication Skills

If you’re uncertain about healthy and empowering communication, don’t allow lack of knowledge or experience to get in the way. Instead, do whatever it takes to improve your communication skills; take classes, read books or hire a coach.

 

STEP 2 – Teach by Example

Children of all ages learn by example and naturally copy their parents, so, by the time, they reach adolescence, most are hyper-sensitive to parental indiscretions, and this makes them notice any discrepancies between the rules and expectations set for them and the ones their parents follow.

Since you can’t expect a teen to do what you say, if you’re not doing it yourself, make sure to clean up “sloppy behavior.” Often times, this includes negative self-talk, disempowering language, unhealthy habits,and unconscious reactions, and, needless to say, make it a point to model desirable behaviors and do what you want your kids to do.

Furthermore, if your teen “calls you out” on your behavior, don’t defend yourself, make excuses, or belittle your teen by acting superior (above the rules because you’re the parent). Instead, make it an opportunity for meaningful communication. Even if your son or daughter is trying to use your behavior against you in order to manipulate the rules on their behalf, don’t react or take offense. Rather, listen carefully and have the courage to recognize the wisdom in their words, and without burdening your kids with adult issues or excuses, be open and honest while engaging a real discussion about the subject. And, if appropriate, course correct your behavior accordingly, so that you can be the person you want your son or daughter to be!

 

Make it a point to model desirable behaviors and do what you want your kids to do.

  • Parent Heal Thyself

Few can argue that adolescent self-discovery can be weird and messy (green hair, odd piercings, unusual friends, etc…), plus, driven by hormones and curiosity, this period of exploration can push a parent’s comfort zone. Sooner or later, most teens unknowingly trigger their parent’s emotional wounds, and, consequently, a parent’s unhealed issues can negatively impact parenting, and may even be passed down from parent to child.

No doubt, we cannot raise confident and emotionally healthy children unless we are confident and emotionally healthy parents, and, therefore, we must courageously do the inner and outer work to become the people we want our children to be. In helping our kids build self-worth and become empowered adults, we must break free of our own limitations and disempowering beliefs, and this requires healing unresolved issues and emotional wounds. In other words, Parent Heal Thyself!

  • Mutual Respect

As a Radical Parent, mutual respect is key; no teen will respect a parent more than they feel respected by the parent. Therefore, it’s vital to treat your teen with the high level of respect in which you want to be treated; for instance, if you want your teens to call when they’re late, you must also do the same.

Most of all, never speak to your kids in a way you wouldn’t want them to speak to you, and this means no yelling, blaming, or disrespectful communication of any nature. If you want respect, you must first give it, so, if you don’t want your teen to judge or curse, you better refrain. However, if you slip, either in words or affectation, take responsibility and apologize without excuses or justification.

Also, although you should never accept disrespectful behaviour, do not take it personally.

It’s vital to treat your teen with the high level of respect in which you want to be treated; for instance, if you want your teens to call when they’re late, you must also do the same.

  • Honour Privacy

Unless there’s a reason to believe your teen’s life is in danger, it’s best to respect privacy and not invade private space. “Parental invasion” motivates teens to protect their privacy, and, therefore, eavesdropping and snooping leads to secretive behavior. Moreover, not only won’t your kids trust you, you’ll also make them feel untrustworthy, and, as a result, they’ll act accordingly.

What about friends who are bad influences?
Well, if you’re judgmental of your teen’s friends or forbid certain friendships, there’s a good chance your teen will rebel by holding onto these relationships. Where parental judgment and ultimatums don’t work, time and space often do the trick, and given the opportunity to choose, most teens decide to ditch unhealthy relationships on their own.

 

STEP 3 – Guide Empowered Choices

Consider, if you are not consciously encouraging independence and empowerment, there’s a good chance you are unconsciously encouraging dependency and powerlessness. Here’s what you need to know in order toempower teens and help them make empowered choices in all areas of life:

  • The Foundation – Self-Worth

When teens believe they must meet certain conditions in order to be worthy, their ability to make good choices is diminished accordingly. Choices that are based on proving or improving worth are almost always disempowering in one sense or another; especially when those choices require the suppression of authentic expression in order to be liked or accepted.

Teens who know their unconditional worth make better choices because they are not afraid to say no or set boundaries that could result in judgment or rejection, and they don’t compromise self-respect or self-expression in exchange for approval or acceptance – nor to fit in or be popular. Therefore, it’s not an understatement to say that the primary job of a Radical Parent is teaching self-worth.

So how do you do it?

Firstly, take a stand for your teen’s self-worth – let them know that their worth is not dependent on anything or anyone, and this means that Radical Parents don’t judge their kids for less than perfect grades, nor do they focus on failure or inadequacy. Whether verbal or non-verbal, every time you express judgment, disappointment or criticism, your teen gets the message that worth depends on demonstration and meeting conditions. Rather than motivating kids to do better, this debilitating message causes disempowerment, and, all too often, results in the kind of self-doubt and insecurity that can last a lifetime.

Since Radical Parents must practice what they preach, don’t forget to embrace your own unconditional worth! So, if you don’t yet have it, do whatever you need to do, to get it!

Take a stand for your teen’s self-worth – let them know that their worth is not dependent on anything or anyone.

  • Boundaries Set the Stage

To make good, healthy choices, teens must identify their personal boundaries and have enough confidence to enforce those boundaries, even if it results in peer judgment or rejection. Teach your teens that they always have the power to choose (even when it appears otherwise), and they can say ‘no” when everyone else is saying yes. Teach them to stay empowered through clear communication, and encourage them to leave situations where boundaries might be crossed or compromised.

Also, teach your kids to recognize and avoid emotional manipulation; let them know that they are not responsible for another person’s behavior or emotional reaction, and they should never compromise themselves toprotect someone’s feelings. You might say something like, “You are responsible for you, and your job is to take care of yourself because no one else can do it for you.”

  • Own Responsibility

Since empowered choices require a high level of self-responsibility, teach your teens to take responsibility for their choices and consequences, and not give their power away by shifting responsibility or blaming someone else. As a Radical Parent, you must demonstrate self-responsibility by being responsible for all your choices and consequences, including actions, reactions, language,and moods. Therefore, you must forego excuses, such as rationalizing negative behavior or using an end-result to justify the means.

  • Practice Positive Thinking

Most teens spend a great deal of time worried about all sorts of things; from getting invited to that special party to being accepted in to the right college. However, worrying is a waste of time and energy because it means focusing on the least desirable outcomes. Instead, teach your teen that thoughts create reality, and, therefore, it is essential to focus on positive outcomes.

Teach your teen that thoughts create reality, and it’s essential to focus on positive outcomes.

  • Don’t Project

Don’t project your experiences or beliefs on your teen; what was/is right for you is not necessarily right for your growing child. Instead, support each child to become his or her best self.

  • Encourage Self-Trust

If we want our children to think for themselves and make good age-appropriate choices, they must believe in themselves, and this requires self-trust. However, to help teens develop self-trust, you must trust them, because if you don’t, they won’t know how to trust themselves. 

“Parental invasion,” such as spying and eavesdropping, not only teaches teens to be defensive, paranoid and sneaky, it also demonstrates your lack of trust. Moreover, if you use your teen’s mistakes to justify distrust, it will make him feel untrustworthy, and that’s what he’ll tend to be. Conversely, the more you trust your kids, the more trustworthy they will become, and the more they will know how to trust themselves.

  • Follow Inner Guidance

Even more than knowledge and logical thinking, learning to listen to inner guidance is the key to making good choices. Since emotions can be powerful, intuitive guides, teach your kids to listen to their feelings, and when making choices, ask them to imagine each potential outcome and notice how it feels. Most of all, help teens identify their true voice and follow inner guidance.

To help teens develop self-trust, you must trust them, because if you don’t, they won’t know how to trust themselves.

  • Ask Empowering Questions

When parental advice is heard as lecturing or an attempt to control, teens tend to shut down and block communication. Even if you know what’s best, spewing advice often alienates teens from the get-go. Therefore, instead of lecturing about consequences, why not use thought-provoking questions to explore options; for example, “What do you think might happen if …?”

Good open-ended questions invite teens to discover answers for themselves, and not only does this demonstrate your trust, it also teaches them to trust themselves; thereby building a bridge of confidence that can take them anywhere in life!

One of the greatest gifts you can give is a “question” that elicits greater awareness and inspires new ways of thinking, or enlightens potential consequences. Empowering questions open the space for increased consciousness by inviting the mind to imagine possibilities without constraints or limitations. Questions that begin with, “What if…?” are usually gems in disguise.  For example, “What if you could express yourself, without fear of judgement, what would you say or do?”

Although our teens might come to the same conclusion (as we would advise) when they think for themselves, answers are more meaningful, and, in the process, they develop significant life skills, such as discernment, inner guidance, and self-trust.

One of the greatest gifts you can give is a “question” that elicits greater awareness and inspires new ways of thinking.

  • Adult Education

When it comes to adult subject matters, to help your teen make good choices, it’s important to get educated and open the space for conscious discussion. For instance, if your son or daughter is curious about any mature behavior, instead of just regurgitating propaganda meant to control the masses, educate yourself and encourage him or her to get educated. Then, together, discuss the benefits, dangers, effects and what to expect. Remember to explore the difference between conscious exploration and recreational thrills, and make sure to discuss the importance of a safe environment. Also, let your kids know that they can call you any time to pick them up anywhere – no questions asked!

The Contract

Although it’s not always possible, do your best to create a verbal contract, so that your teen agrees to speak to you before engaging in drugs, sex or other adult behaviors. Ideally, the contract should include a post-experience discussion as well. The post-discussion is of utmost importance because teens sometimes have new experiences that leave them feeling confused, alone or afraid.

During the post-discussion, allow teens to express their thoughts and feelings without giving them a lecture or sharing your personal commentary. Once they are done sharing, your job is to help them make sense of their experiences so that they can learn about themselves, and use this knowledge for future choices. Remember, no matter the experience or outcome, avoid judgment. Even if they express regret, don’t say, “I told you so” or any version of it, because it will only make them shut-down and not trust you again. 

Since contracts can only be made voluntarily, don’t force your kids to agree; even if you get them to commit, forced agreements have a tendency to backfire.

Create a verbal contract, so your teen agrees to speak to you before engaging in drugs, sex or other adult behaviors.

Say “No” to Best Buddies

Although you may be your teen’s support system, guide, and confidant, don’t try to be a best buddy and don’t expect them to be yours. Therefore, don’t burden teens with adult concerns, don’t share personal issues, and don’t depend on them for emotional support. In fact, do your best not to behave in any way that could make your kids feel responsible for you or any adult stresses. It’s not their job to be your caregiver. Furthermore, if your teen perceives you weak or needy, you’ll lose trust, and if they feel they have to take care of you, they won’t ask for guidance. Therefore, resolve any emotional issues and other problems with an adult friend, coach or therapist.

Radical Results

As guides who support the journey from birth to adulthood, immense power has been invested in every parent, and, therefore, this power must be consciously used to raise children who become independent and empowered adults. As such, we must remember that we don’t own our children, but, rather, those entrusted to our care are simply wise beings in new bodies, and it’s our job to help them remember who they really are.

Indeed, it’s not always easy to parent an empowered teen, but it might help to remember that the behaviours commonly discouraged in adolescence often become desired attributes in adulthood, such as questioning the rules, thinking for oneself and standing for truth. Therefore, keep in mind that positive adult behaviors are best learned and cultivated during adolescence, and with the help of a Radical Parent, many empowering attributes become the foundational building blocks for life.

Finally, although we may point the way and encourage authentic self-expression, we must ultimately allow our grown children to find their ownpath and walk their owntalk. Therefore, without projecting prejudice, we must also encourage the exploration of new ideas and unique ways of living so that one day our children can fulfill their greatest dreams, and, consequently, pass on the gifts we have graciously bestowed.

Even if you forget everything else, just remember one thing; be the person you want your child to be…

 

In love, grace, and attitude,

Nanice

Book Promo: Is There a White Elephant in Your Way

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTz7z1lxEpA&feature=youtu.be

If you’re searching for your Soulmate, the law of attraction is your key to success! By effectively using this universal law, you’ll have the power to attract a lifelong partner. 

1. Be Clear About What You Want in a Mate

Each “failed” relationship has given you clues about what you desire in an ideal partner, but be careful not to focus on the negative. For example, if you say that you don’t want another partner who “puts work before love,” you’re focusing on the negative, and this tells the Universe to send you more of what you don’t want. However, if you know what you don’t want, you also know what you do want. In this case, it would be a partner who puts your relationship before work.

Let go of the past, and refocus on the positive. You can tell if your thoughts are positive or negative by the way they make you feel. If thoughts make you feel good, they’re positive. If thoughts make you feel bad, they’re negative. It’s that simple! So, if you find yourself thinking negatively, simply turn it around and focus on positive desires. Once you do, you’ll immediately feel better, and you will be in alignment with love.

2. Continue to Dream!

The power of imagination can transform your love life. So, if you are ready for love, one of the best things you can do is day dream about your perfect mate. Through imagination you can create, and improve, a desired relationship until it meets your highest ideal. As you imagine your ideal partner, you’re sending positive images to the Universe, and the Universe receives these images as a command to create. Once you have an ideal image in your mind, replay it over and over until it actually 

manifests. 

3. Be Your Real Self

By hiding your Real Self and wearing a façade, you attract people who reflect or complement the false image you present to the world, and this makes it difficult for your soulmate to find you. No doubt, your soulmate is a perfect match for the Real You, and since you never know where, or how, your paths might cross, it’s important to always be your Real Self! Since the law of attractions loves authenticity, Shine Your Light!

4. Fall in Love with Yourself!

Since it feels great to be around people who authentically love themselves, it’s no wonder that self-love attracts potential mates. Therefore, if you want someone to fall in love with you, you must fall in love with your Real Self. Moreover, since self-judgement resonates a negative energy that repels potential mates, it’s important to clean up self-critical thinking.

5.  Get Your Beliefs in Order

Life is a feedback system that reflects your beliefs, whatever you believe, you’ll

experience. Therefore, if a belief doesn’t support what you really want, it’s time to drop it and develop beliefs that do. This means that it’s important to examine all your beliefs about love, and, then, clean up any negative beliefs that don’t support an ideal relationship.

6. Say “No” to Jealousy

It’s natural to feel jealous when we see someone experiencing the love we desire, and don’t yet have, but jealousy is a negative emotion that repels love. Therefore, when you see someone living your dream, rather than reacting with jealousy, celebrate their love. Indeed, when you bless loving relationships, it tells the Universe you’re ready for love too!

7. Don’t Give Up!

When it comes to love, people get disappointed when potential mates don’t meet their expectations, or they don’t see evidence that true love is coming, and, then, out of disappointment, or fear of disappointment, they give up. However, “giving up” is the number one reason the law of attraction doesn’t (appear to) work. Giving up is like ordering a delicious meal and walking out of the restaurant just before your order arrives. Therefore, once you are clear about a specific desire, commit to it for as long as it takes, and this also means don’t give in to doubt!

 8. Create the Space 

The law of attraction loves the energy of anticipation, and, therefore, do your best to anticipate your ideal relationship by creating space for your partner. Therefore, consider all the ways in which you can prepare for your soulmate, such as cleaning out a closet, emptying a draw, or replacing worn-out wallpaper.

 9. Live Your Best Life Now!

Don’t wait for a partner before you live your best life. Live it right now! Therefore, do not focus on “what’s missing” in single life, but, instead, create a full life where nothing is missing! Since you attract “what you are,” if you are a couch potato, you will

attract a coach potato. So, if you desire an active mate who skis and likes to read, you better get on the slopes and hang out in bookstores. If you start living your best life now, you will be super attractive for that special person to spot you in a crowd.

 10. Follow Inspiration

When it comes to attracting a soulmate, your job is to clearly define what you most desire, and, then, get in alignment as described above, but it’s not your job to control manifestation. So, if you want the Universe to perform its magic on your behalf, you must release control and get out of the way. However, this does not mean that you should sit home and do nothing, and, in fact, it’s important to take inspired action.

Since the Universe communicates to you through intuition, inspiration, and gut feelings, always take action accordingly, and this means that if you get the sudden urge to go to a new coffee shop across town or call an old friend you haven’t seen in ten years, just do it! The more you follow inner guidance, the more the Universe can guide you to true love!

There is nothing you cannot be, do or have when you know how to activate and use the unlimited power that lies within you! So, have fun using the law of attraction to find (and keep) the love of your life!
By being who you really are, and doing what you love to do, you’ll be a perfect match for your perfect mate!

Nanice Bio:
As a Conscious Creation Coach since 1997, Nanice teaches mastery level manifestation. Using quantum principals, human dynamics, consciousness techniques, and real life experiences, her powerful coaching style is often referred to as the “Nanice Effect.”  Nanice is the author of several inspirational books including, “Is There a White Elephant in Your Way? – a comprehensive guidebook to awakening and self-empowerment.” Sign up for Nanice’s Free 7 Part Awakening Series at www.Nanice.com/Awaken. To find out more, please visit www.Nanice.com

Even low-grade parental blame and resentment perpetuate a cycle of emotional pain and suffering that can negatively affect your adult relationships, finances, and overall wellbeing; ultimately preventing the love, abundance and happiness you desire and deserve.

 

If you have no comparison, you might not notice the amount of energy it takes to hold onto an emotional wound or even a small grudge, but holding onto anger, resentment or any form of hostility requires a tremendous amount of life force energy and this energy is non-refundable. Decades of anger and resentment can cut years off your life, and you wouldn’t even know it. Think of it like throwing hundred dollar bills into the toilet each day, except life force energy is infinitely more valuable than all the money in the world.

The Cycle of Suffering

Without healing our childhood wounds and subsequently forgiving our parents, we stay emotionally stuck at the age of our earliest wounds, and because this causes us to repeat the cycle of suffering, we keep experiencing an adult version of our childhood wounds. For instance, let’s say you haven’t forgiven your mom for missing your tenth birthday or healed the resulting feelings of abandonment; whenever this issue is triggered by a current day experience (ex: someone forgets to call you), the original emotional wound is activated and you drop into an unconscious reaction. For all intents and purposes, you become your wounded ten-year-old self, and because you feel the same pain you felt then, you react by lashing out or shutting down.

Because an emotional reaction is an automatic response to an unhealed wound, there is little or no control over emotions or behavior, and this dynamic can result in a series of current day relationship issues. Year after year, the cumulative effect of emotional reactions can destroy the quality of our most important relationships.

Law of Attraction

According to the Law of Attraction, we unconsciously attract people who trigger our emotional wounds, and this is why a person with abandonment issues attracts potential partners who have commitment fears; not as punishment or karma but rather because our higher selves want us to heal and will use every opportunity to bring our wounds to the forefront. Unfortunately, this means that unhealed emotional wounds can prevent you from meeting your ideal partner or soul mate, and even if you do find each other, the turbulent nature of emotional wounds is known to sabotage even the most ideal partnership.

Blame Perpetuates Pain

Blaming your parents not only keeps the wound alive, it also tells your subconscious mind that your parents currently have power over you or your life, and, therefore, blame programs you for disempowerment. Like a virus, this dynamic can spread to every facet of your life. Additionally, whenever we blame another, we become entangled with their energy and stay entangled until we let go, and, consequently, we cannot grow beyond the parent we blame.

Of course, it’s no big surprise that forgivingness is the key to emotional freedom, but, in most cases, forgiveness is easier said than done. But why?

“Year after year, the cumulative effect of emotional reactions can destroy the quality of our most important relationships.”

Why is forgiveness so difficult?

First, you must realize that blame, anger, and various related emotions are defensive guards that protect you from future harm. Since true forgiveness requires you to release this defense, the very act of forgiveness creates emotional risk. Therefore, to forgive your parents, you must trust they won’t hurt you again, but, the hard truth is, you can never be certain – there is no way to control or predict another person’s behavior, and sometimes loving people do hurtful things.

If you are still vulnerable to being hurt, forgiveness could destroy the only defense you have, and, if this is the case, your protective ego will not allow you to forgive. Therefore, before you can forgive, you must eliminate the risk of emotional harm, and this inevitably means self-responsibility.

Responsibility before Forgiveness

There’s no way around it, as long as you blame or shift responsibility in any regard, you give others the power to hurt you, and as long as you give others the power to hurt you, you’re going to be hurt. Therefore, the only way to prevent emotional harm is by releasing blame and taking full responsibility for every emotion you experience, but there is no point assuming responsibility if you don’t also uncover the dynamics behind your childhood issues. Therefore, to make yourself immune to emotional harm, you must pinpoint the hidden cause of your childhood wounds, and once you do, I will show you how to heal it now.

“…before you can forgive, you must eliminate the risk of emotional harm…”

Understanding the True Nature of Emotional Wounds

We often confuse an emotional wound with the event or experience that caused the wound, but the actual wound is not the situation or circumstance. An emotional wound is the disempowering belief we adopted in response to the experience. Without needing to analyze the details, the core emotional wound is virtually always unworthiness, and, in fact, unworthiness (or conditional worthiness) is the core wound of every other emotional wound.

All children have emotional needs that must be met to feel worthy of love and life; these needs include approval, acceptance, appreciation, understanding, validation, respect, etcetera. Although children require all emotional needs to be fulfilled, one emotional need almost always stands out from the rest, and because this is usually the need least met, it is the emotional need most associated with worth, and, as a result, it becomes the child’s Primary Emotional Need (PEN).

Children naturally adopt beliefs that explain why one or both parents fail to provide this emotional need, so when a child doesn’t receive approval, for example, the child naturally believes she is unworthy of approval, or more likely, she believes she must meet certain conditions to prove she is worthy. Hypersensitive to this need being met, she automatically interprets approval as proof of worthiness and judgment as proof of unworthiness, and this is why judgment can cause intense emotional pain even in adulthood.

Here’s the thing, like every human being, you were born unconditionally worthy, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to prove, improve, or disprove worth. Therefore the emotional pain associated with believing you are unworthy is due to the fact it is completely untrue! Emotional pain is a warning system that alerts you to false beliefs.

Why do we need to be warned of false beliefs?

All disempowering beliefs, such as unworthiness, powerlessness, and victimhood, put us into survival mode, and over time can cause chronic and acute issues with serious repercussions, and, therefore, we need a warning system that alerts us to debilitating beliefs. This warning system is emotion, and, in fact, the purpose of emotional pain is to alert you to the fact you believe a falsehood. Just like physical pain alerts you the second you prick your finger with a knife, so you won’t cut your whole finger off, emotional pain alerts you to harmful beliefs so you can release them.

Without knowing that emotional pain is a sign of a false belief, most of us wrongly interpret this pain; so whenever we feel the emotional pain associated with unworthiness, the pain makes us believe the belief is true, thereby strengthening the belief and deepening the wound, and this perpetuates a cycle of emotional pain.

Furthermore, this internal warning system will stop at nothing to make you aware of a false belief, and, in fact, with increasing amplification, you will attract continuous opportunities that trigger emotional pain until you finally pay attention and release the false belief that is responsible for the pain. All emotional healing is releasing disempowering beliefs.
““““

Entangled in the conscious or unconscious belief that worth depends on getting our parents to meet our emotional needs, we grow into adults, still expecting one or both parents to give us what we need to feel worthy. But, this just sets us up for more pain because it never works.

“….this is why judgment can cause intense emotional pain even in adulthood…”

Why don’t parents meet their children’s emotional needs?

First of all, even the most well-intentioned parents often fail to meet their children’s emotional needs, and, in most cases, emotional wounds have nothing to do with parental love. Oftentimes, childhood emotional wounds are by-products of parenting style or our parent’s unhealed wounds or family issues, such as financial challenges, divorce, or a family member’s addiction, disease, mental illness or chronic depression.

Although parental judgment, criticism, and comparison to siblings or other children are the most common causes of the worthiness wound, almost any dynamic can set the stage, for instance, when a parent is over-protective or over-controlling, a child may feel disrespected and develop the belief he is unworthy of respect, and he may conclude he is untrustworthy, or when a child is told to be seen but not heard, she may develop the belief she is not worthy to speak, or she may believe she is not important.

In most cases, a child’s emotional wounds deepen over time, and as the child matures into adulthood, the wound matures accordingly; manifesting as problematic relationships, financial concerns, career challenges, and health issues, while also making it difficult to pursue one’s dreams and desires.

Many adult children protect themselves from parental judgment and manipulation by closing their hearts and putting up energetic barriers, but despite the defensive quality of anger and blame, it doesn’t protect us from emotional pain because the shield actually keeps the pain inside while it also prevents healing. Regardless of age, every time your parents fail to meet your Primary Emotional Need, feelings of disappointment feed unworthiness and often lead to powerlessness.

The Unworthiness Wound Causes Powerlessness

Do you still need parental approval, acceptance, validation or permission to feel worthy? If so, do you conceal behaviors that don’t meet your parent’s expectations?

This dynamic is quite common in most adults but there is a huge cost involved because whenever you suppress authentic expression in exchange for approval or acceptance, for example, you inadvertently give away your power. In fact, it is impossible to expect your parents to meet your emotional needs and make you feel worthy without giving them your power.

Consequently, the relationship is based on dysfunctional dynamics where you remain a powerless child who is vulnerable to being hurt. Not only does this make you susceptible to parental judgment and criticism, it also makes you vulnerable to manipulation through guilt and obligation.

Although blame is a natural response to powerlessness, it actually tells your subconscious mind that the parent you are blaming has power over you, and, therefore, blame perpetuates more powerlessness. Indeed, you won’t be able to heal your emotional wounds or forgive your parents as long as you blame them for making you feel powerless and unworthy. This is why self-responsibility is the cure, and, in fact, self-responsibility is the only thing that can solve your issues.

Self-responsibility means that you must own your unconditional worth and you must take back your power by releasing the expectation that your parents meet any of your emotional needs, and this also includes releasing the need for apology, acknowledge, or retribution.

“This is why self-responsibility is the cure, and, in fact, self-responsibility is the only thing that can solve your issues.”

Give to yourself what you need from your parents!

As you take responsibility for your life and your choices, you must stop seeking parental permission and emotional support, and, in fact, you don’t even need your parents to believe in you or your dreams. The same reasons your parents didn’t meet your needs in childhood are the same reasons they still don’t.  So you can let them off the hook and release all expectations!

Finally, when you know your unconditional worth, and you own your intrinsic power, your parents can’t hurt you emotionally, and, consequently, forgiveness becomes possible.

As dysfunctional dynamics dissolve, it gives way to a new paradigm of relationship based on unconditional worth and self-empowerment. The foundation of this deeper connection is clear boundaries, and, in fact, boundaries can take you from a powerless child to an empowered adult in a heartbeat. Indeed, your personal power is only as strong as your boundaries.

Boundaries are Key!

As an adult-child, it is up to you to set boundaries with your parents. Initially, it might feel uncomfortable, but, over time, strong boundaries will strengthen the relationship and allow for a deeper connection. So, to create a positive adult relationship with your parents, what boundaries do you need as an empowered adult?

Keep in mind, a boundary of respect, for example, is vague and you probably need to define the parameters of respect, so clearly and specifically spell it out in terms of communication and interaction. In all likelihood, you will need to teach your parents how to treat you, speak to you, and behave in ways that reflect respect. It’s also a good idea to invite your mom and dad to establish their boundaries and do your very best to honor them, as well.

Boundaries are set through intention but established with attention!

Effective boundaries require integrity, and this means that you must back-up every boundary with proper and consistent attention. Therefore, don’t expect your parents to automatically know when they are encroaching on a boundary. When people are used to behaving in habitual ways, it takes time to recognize new boundaries and reorganize new behavior accordingly. This means that it’s your responsibility to protect your boundaries, and, therefore, confidentially give clear feedback; tell your mom or dad when they are crossing (or about to cross) a boundary.

However, if either parent doesn’t respect your boundaries, don’t be afraid to limit interactions accordingly, but let them know why, so they have the necessary information to change their behavior. Believe it or not, most parents will eventually learn to respect boundaries, but only if you consistently enforce them first.

Reaping the Rewards

No matter how it seems, childhood wounds always leverage hidden gifts, such as independence, wisdom, or compassion, and without emotional challenges, our best attributes might never be revealed. If you haven’t yet recognized the positive qualities that sprung from your childhood wounds, now would be a wonderful time to do so because the recognition itself can be extremely healing. Indeed, the point is to heal the wounds but keep the benefits!

Finally, always remember that forgiveness is never for the person being forgiven. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.

You are love, you are light, and all is well!

Graciously,
Nanice

P.S. You can watch the video version of this artlce here.

Nanice Bio:
As a Conscious Creation Coach since 1997, Nanice teaches mastery level manifestation. Using quantum principals, human dynamics, consciousness techniques, and real life experiences, her powerful coaching style is often referred to as the “Nanice Effect.”  Nanice is the author of several inspirational books including, “Is There a White Elephant in Your Way? – a comprehensive guidebook to awakening and self-empowerment.” Sign up for Nanice’s Free 7 Part Awakening Series at www.Nanice.com/Awaken. To find out more, please visit www.Nanice.com

Stop waiting to be saved or pretending to be powerless when you’re not.

Many women secretly desire to be saved, rescued or taken care of, but these desires perpetuate feminine powerlessness and also set the stage for dysfunctional relationships. Being saved or rescued by some big, strong man might sound romantic, but the cost is all too often disempowerment.

In exchange for being saved, the damsel in distress gives her knight in shining armor what little power she has left, thereby increasing her sense of powerlessness, and perpetuating the same disempowerment that caused the damsel to be distressed in the first place.

Until we become conscious, it’s common to run from one state of disempowerment to another, but, sooner or later, we realize that no one can save us. You can delay it but you cannot avoid it, and whether this pivotal realization leads to despair or empowerment, the truth remains the same. You must save yourself because no one else can do it for you.

 

“It’s time to discover what it means to be an empowered woman and to experience firsthand why there’s nothing more attractive than a woman who embraces her feminine power.”

Although many women have been taught to associate helplessness with femininity, don’t confuse the two because there’s really nothing feminine or sexy about being powerless. Also, don’t be mistaken, we are not talking about women artificially taking on male personas, because that doesn’t work either. Instead, it’s time to discover what it means to be an empowered woman and to experience firsthand why there’s nothing more attractive than a woman who embraces her feminine power.

WHAT ABOUT PRINCE CHARMING?

Doesn’t every woman want to be charmed by her very own prince? Well, of course, most women desire romance but this doesn’t mean you have to give your power away in exchange, and, in fact, if you are pretending to be a damsel in distress, you’re not going to get the attention of a real prince. The modern day Prince Charming is not looking for a powerless woman to save. He’s looking for an empowered partner with whom he can create a kingdom. He seeks a woman who speaks her truth and isn’t afraid to stand out in the crowd; a woman who knows her worth and has no fear of being alone.

“Stop waiting to be saved or pretending to be powerless when you’re not.”

SO, HOW DO YOU SAVE YOURSELF?

Without a history of role models, we have the honor of forging a path for our daughters and grand-daughters to follow. Although this likely means trial and error, here are some pointers on the path:

  • Stop waiting to be saved or pretending to be powerless when you’re not.
  • Claim your unconditional worth and stop suppressing your true self in exchange for love or approval; it’s too big a price to pay.
  • Set boundaries that teach others how to treat you and commit to speaking your truth; especially when it’s difficult and others might protest.
  • Be bold and brave by choosing courage over fear and positive thinking over worrying.
  • Listen to inner guidance and never hesitate to follow inspiration; you always know what’s best for you!

Finally, as you demonstrate feminine power, you’ll show other damsels how to save themselves as well, but also let them know that the key to self-empowerment is trusting yourself!

You are love, you are light, and all is well!

with Grace & Gratitude,
Nanice

 

Be sure to check out more great posts by Nanice on her website.